What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 26.06.2025 04:27
Would this be the day?
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
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And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
She wouldn,t have been !
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Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
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But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
If an abortion doesn’t affect you, why do people make it a big deal?
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
Who then, do I blame.?
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She loved him until the end.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
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Was to survive, this bastard.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
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But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
Is it true that sleeping with your hair down can cause damage?
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
I said to her
When she asked me how she looked .
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This is soul school!.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
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And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
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Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
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I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
My life is so biszare .
What did i know ?
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
Comes on , in middle age.
As i do to all so called friends.?
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
My family never makes their pension either.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
I did it because my mum asked me too!
But, we were locked up after school.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
He resisted the act ,that day.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
Ive learnt so much.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
I write beautiful poetry .
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
One cannot live in the past .
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
It was going to be , some day.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
Especially a lifetime of it.
He knew the spot.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
We were not on the streets..
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
I was very sick at this time too.
But it wasn’t much.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
I think the readers, may guess!
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
Why did i forgive my father ?
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
On the 31st of Jan this month .
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
The only rule us 5 kids had .
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
I don,t even have a pension.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
So, i spoilt her more .
She was in good health!
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
So whats the point in blame.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
And i lived it daily.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
I had hoped to write a book about this .
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
I never cut or harmed myself..
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
I have no regrets .
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
I waited trembling.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
I was seconnd youngest,
But ive been too sick for many years..
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
All the time i was locked up.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
Put me off passion for life!!
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
I couldn’t, believe it.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
We all went to grammer schools
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
She found it foreign!.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
Im dying but, im not bitter.
I was scared of men, in general
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
I will be 64.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
Im still living with it.
She married twice! .
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
I was 9 years of age.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
(And it was in our own minds.)
I could never make a relationship work though!